Save Me! Sunday

Save Me! Sunday

Today’s musings are about really bad dates, personal responsibility, being adopted, and how my love for making jewelry made everything OK.

Throughout the week, I’ve been pondering the importance of developing self-confidence as a woman. A few short years ago, I DID NOT have it. I was the kind of girl who liked a little drama, until one day, a guy I was dating broke up with me three days before we had scheduled some exotic, third-world travel. We decided that since we spent the dough, we’d still go on the trip. But, once we got there he essentially left me stranded in place where I didn’t even know the language. Being left alone in a palm and bamboo hut without running water and electricity on a remote island in the middle of the Indian Ocean was pretty scary. For a short time, I was forced to communicate and get around using only hand signals and facial expressions. Heck… why underplay it? While the people and tropical scenery were lovely, I was traumatized by the experience. And, the necklace on the left is one of the first pieces I made. It expresses how I felt about my experience. I call it, The Blue Genie necklace.

Lesson 1: Never travel to a remote island on the other side of the planet with someone who breaks up a few days before your trip. And, if you go anyway, know the language.

I returned home shell-shocked, but immediately proceeded to date a different man for over a year. He was very attractive, and his actions toward me were often less so. The relationship was dripping with Red Flags (recently divorced, a bit of a drinker, and some pretty unhealthy verbal expressions of anger). I ignored and denied that those flags existed, telling myself that it was OK for him to be such a jerk to me because he really was really stressed, depressed, and busy. It was definitely a bad relationship choice on my part, but despite the obvious, my reason for staying was that I wanted him to love me.

Lesson 2: No matter how attractive they might be, recently divorced, problem drinkers with unhealthy verbal expressions of anger are red flags. Red flags are not a good choice for rebound relationships

In retrospect, I often wonder why I it was such shocking news to me that this man would also have another long-time girlfriend (in addition to me). Naïve as it may seem, I was under the impression that we were exclusively dating until one sunny Saturday morning when we all met face-to-face at a stop sign. He was on a bike ride with her, the girl that he met while out of town on travel, and they were literally riding down the street, just a few yards from my house. That day, and for several months afterwards, I was split between wanting to put my foot up his @$% and staying in bed all day crying. I was beyond mad, I was despairingly angry. I made this necklace because I was feeling like Diane Lane's character in Under The Tuscan Sun. I called it Tut! Tut! Tuscany.

Lesson 3: When trying to change your life for the better, being accountable for your happiness and taking responsibility for your decisions is the key.

Although it took some serious soul-searching, all my strength, and a small handful of less-than-stellar relationships to get me onto my proper path, I did finally come to grips with the fact that my misadventures in dating and bad choices in men were actually the product of my own long-standing feelings of betrayal and abandonment. I look back now at my experiences with these two jerkos, and while I still wouldn’t mind putting my foot up their @$%, I don’t feel I have to. They'll do just fine on their own, and without my assistance. Still, I’m oddly thankful that these experiences are part of my history. They gave me the time I needed to get very, very bored with myself. And, they brought me to the realization that although I had not been treated well, blaming my unhappiness on their actions was not longer a valid excuse for me. Because of this, I still like to wear my very first pair of wire wrapped earrings.

Lesson 4: Get to the bottom of it

When all of this went down four years ago, I decided that the best solution was to embark on a journey to find my birthmother (I was adopted as an infant). It took me two years of relentless searching and a couple of awkward emails until I found her. To date, we haven’t met. And thanks to the kindness of a stranger, I have seen her picture. We look exactly alike, and for a long time I was speechless with that fact. I had never seen my features in someone else’s face before, and it was an awesome feeling. Not knowing her situation or the story of my birth and conception, I was OK going on and respecting her decision. Now that I’ve seen her picture, I don’t feel that I have to meet her. If she changes her mind in the future, great. But, if not, that's OK. I finally have clarity. That was when I made my first beaded pendant.

Lesson 5: I was saved by a headpin and a pair of round nosed pliers.

I’ve been asked why I love making jewelry so much, and the truth is, I was saved by a headpin and a pair of round nose pliers. As I was figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be, beading and wire work gave me an outlet to express my creativity, time to jell alone with my head in the “jewelry zone”, as well as an outlet for processing some pretty complex emotions. Before wire wrapped loops, I was often told by others that I was a creative, intelligent, honest, and generous person. And, although I’d smile back and thank them for their words, I lacked the self-confidence. Once I started believing my value as a person, it made a difference. And that was also about the time I needed to think of alternative storage solutions for my growing collection.

My mom used to say, “Get a hobby.” My friends used to say, “Get over it.” My younger brother said, “Get a life, you’re being an idiot.”

Given my options, I went with the hobby. The getting over it (and the getting a life part) followed shortly thereafter. I started making jewelry, and I was no longer all over the bead board emotionally. Now that I’ve been making jewelry for several years, I realize that what this craft really taught me was to develop my ability to focus. I no longer looked at myself as unworthy. I am also no longer afraid that being single and childless means I’m cursed and destined to be a spinster. It just means that I have more time to develop and focus on the one thing that I should have always been reaching for, my current and future happiness. The cloisonne necklace on the left is one of my favorites, and I keep it as part of my personal collection. It's my sunshine necklace, the necklace that represents the happiness that I found in having a hobby.

Happiness is My Choice and Because of Jewelry Making, I Choose It Daily

I believe that happiness is a choice that is mine alone. I can choose to stew about the negatives and what frustrates me, or I choose to transform those negative into something positive. At a minimum, I make at least one item of jewelry a day. When I choose to make jewelry, I know that I am choosing me. It’s a great hobby, and in addition to being a very fun thing to do, I no longer leave the house without wearing something very fabulous and dangly.